Coming out of the closet...

For some of my friends what I'm going to tell you isn't going to come as a big surprise, because I've already talked about some of my thoughts and doubts and conclusions with you. I'd like to take a moment to thank those treasured and trusted friends for listening, for understanding and for encouraging me along the way. I am truly blessed to have friends with whom I can be totally honest and vulnerable, without fear. I cannot thank you enough for allowing me the liberty of being where I'm at without your judgement. M, B and E...I am so grateful to have you with me on my journey.

_____________________________



What up, blogiverse. Is that even a word? It is now, I just said it. Or typed it. Whatever.

I've been quiet for a long time, I know. I've been thinking. I've had A LOT to think about. I wish I knew what the catalyst was behind all of the stuff I've been working out in my mind. Oh, and before we go any further...I know what you're thinking this post is going to be about given the title, and before I say anything else I want to tell you that I'm sorry to disappoint you. I'm totally not gay. That said, I've been trying to figure out how to publicly "come out" with the many things that I've been thinking and a big part of me is bracing for massive rejection.

*deep breath*

I've come to the conclusion that I need to be okay with being rejected by some in order to be authentic. (This is still sounding like a gay coming out talk, isn't it?) I know I stand to lose some friends if I say this publicly. And I know that some of my friends won't just dismiss me, they'll do worse. They'll judge me, label me and condemn me, then they'll tell me that they'll pray for me because I'm so "lost".

So, I would like to assure you:

I am SO NOT lost.

I have NEVER been MORE found.

I do not seek to belittle what has been revealed to you as truth, so please offer me that same respect. If you want to pray for me, that's fine. Just do it as Jesus taught, and I'll even drop some KJV on you out of deference to your preference: "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly." (Matthew 6:5-6)

So, the thing is...I'm a...Universalist.

There, I said it. Now you know. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife. And hide yo husband cuz god's savin errbody out there. You don't have to come and confess, he's looking for you. He gon' find you. So you can run and tell that, homeboy. (Did I just throw down some King James Version of the Bible and Antoine Dodson? Why yes, yes I did. I'm gangsta like that.)

How did I get here? Well, I was created as a logical and spiritual being. (Just like you.) As my faith has evolved since I liberated myself from the indoctrination of my childhood and allowed myself to understand and define my own theology, I landed here.

I landed here because a god of infinite love and grace cannot logically coexist with a god of judgement and punitive discipline.

I landed here because I cannot get on board with a theology that would condemn my non-Christian friends (including the atheists, humanists and agnostics) for not saying a magic prayer when they are some of the most moral, generous, kind and genuine people I know. They are more "Christlike" than most Christians I know. If Jesus came to show us the way, and they are actually living in that way even if they don't label it as following Jesus, aren't they still actually following Christ? And if they are, would that all loving god who craves communion with his creation really choose to send them to an actual lake of fire on a technicality?

I landed here because a god who creates all people, and loves all those people, can't logically just send them out on their way with a silent kitchen timer in the background...tick tock, tick tock...and god knows whether or not each person will accept or reject before their time is up. But god sends these people out into the world already knowing what they'll choose and god allows these people to make the choice that leads to eternal damnation? That is the opposite of grace as I understand it. That is, essentially, predestined damnation. No, no, no.

I landed here because the god that I know and love and serve today is not a bully. God is love, and love just doesn't do that. Like I said, I was created as a spiritual and logical being. So my faith has to speak to my heart, AND make sense at the same time.

I still feel called to minister. I believe that I have been called to encourage others to work out their own faith as I have and will continue to do. I know in my core that I was put here to do that. I'm still learning and I'm still exploring the breadth and depth that faith has for me. I hope to do that for the rest of my life. This journey of inspiration and revelation has been challenging. But I WANT my faith to continually challenge me - what good is a faith that doesn't?

I said to one of my friends via email back in June, "My faith was so much simpler when I believed what I was told without question and I really believed I had all the answers. That chair was so comfortable to sit in for so long. Then my foot fell asleep from sitting in that chair for so long that I had to get up and walk around. Now I've seen too much while I was walking around to ever sit down in that chair again. But sometimes I miss that chair. It was comfortable, familiar, safe. What I am going through now is so much harder than sitting in that chair. The realization that I will probably not have a chair ever again is overwhelming. I feel like the best I can hope for is to cobble together a mismatched sectional that somehow works together and fits me.

But I bet that's gonna be the best damn sofa ever."

So, Friends...that's my deal. And as I raise my glass to you, I offer a toast:

Here's to authenticity, even when it's difficult.

Here's to working out our own faith.

Here's to truth.

Setting.

You.

Free.

On parenting, discipline, faith and forgiveness - how I got to show my son the nature of God while revealing it to myself too.

On Friday we had some of Moose's little friends over for lunch and a playdate after preschool. I was upstairs preparing lunch so I didn't witness the incident, but my friend was downstairs in the playroom with the children. And when I called everyone upstairs for lunch, Moose chucked a pretty decent sized toy at his friend's head and hurt his friend pretty bad. All I heard was a crack and his little friend crying, then Moose trying to flee the scene. When I heard it I made my way downstairs and asked Moose what happened and he kept saying, "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" but in that way that you can tell a person doesn't mean it, they're just saying what they think is appropriate to say. Like when someone asks "How are you?" but they really don't care how you are, it's just the socially appropriate phrase to initiate small talk so you can have the illusion of a social interaction without any real substance. While he was being fake-sorry I asked my friend if her son was okay, and what happened. When she told me what happened I was so embarrassed and really frustrated with Moose. I mean, what in the world??? He knows better! And his poor little friend is only TWO years old and he's chucking big, heavy toys at his face?!?! My son looked up at me and I told him, "That was a very mean thing to do. We don't throw toys and we don't hurt our friends. You're grounded from your Leapster." And I looked down at Moose and I said "Look how your friend feels. What should you do?" and once my boy's eyes really SAW the results of his actions he paused and genuinely apologized to his little injured playmate. Moose's attempt at an apology hug was refused as his friend was too much in pain to leave his mother. We all came upstairs and had lunch and then everyone played together nicely after lunch until our friends went home.

Later that afternoon, Moose asked if he could play his Leapster. And I told him no, because he was grounded from it and I asked him if he remembered what he did earlier. He said "Yes" as fresh tears rose in his eyes. And he looked at me as he blinked and the tears rolled down his fat little cheeks and he said, "But Mama, I sorry." And for a second, I thought about how he would perceive me as his parent if I backed down from his punishment. Would I be flaking out on him as his mom if I was inconsistent? Would he lose respect for my words and decisions if I didn't enforce his punishment?

And then I realized that if I did enforce his punishment, I would be doing exactly to him what I am so grateful that God doesn't do to me. I would be withholding forgiveness even after his confession and expression of contrition.

Is there room for Forgiveness in Discipline? I certainly hope so. If there wasn't, there would be no hope for me, or for any of us for that matter! That's when I decided that I would seize this moment to show Moose what forgiveness is all about. I had an opportunity to show my son a tiny little peek of the kind of forgiveness and redemption that God offers to all of us.

Moose was so sad remembering what he'd done earlier that day. He laid his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my neck and quietly whimpered, "I'm so sorry Mama. I'm so sorry." I answered, "I know. You don't have to be be grounded anymore because I know you really are sorry and you will try to do better next time." My son flicked his head up towards me with a look of total disbelief across his face. The kid looked like he won some kind of lottery or something but his expression quickly clouded over as his relief faded into a look of worry. He said, "You not tell Daddy, okay? You please not tell Daddy I hurt my friend." I said, "Daddy already knows, but I'll tell Daddy you're not grounded anymore."

Moose said, "I not grounded anymore?" as the sun started rising in his eyes, the burden of his punishment lifted. I said, "Nope. You don't have to be grounded anymore. Do you want to play on your Leapster?"

And my son said, "No."

He added, "I just wanna hug you now."

And that's the story of the day I learned that:

1. A child can learn more from forgiveness than he can from punishment.
2. So can I.

"I'll pray for you"

This past Sunday, there was a small paragraph in the church bulletin that changed my life. No, really. Changed. My. Life.

It read:

Prayers of the People (inspired by a prayer of George Appleton)

"Hold a name lovingly, trustingly before God , without diagnosing the person's need, or telling God what to do, leaving God to do, what in love is most needed.

The name may be repeated many times, on the lips, on the mind, and then held silently in the heart.

If Christ's name is added after the name of the one for whom we are praying, God's love is invoked to magnify our own human love."

And I sat in my pew with a heavy heart, having very recently learned of a friend's pregnancy loss. I lowered my head and quietly repeated her name as tears of grief fell in sympathy for her family's pain. In the past I would have directly asked God for what *I* wanted for her...comfort, peace, healing, strength. But after reading that paragraph on intercessory prayer I was struck by how ridiculous it is for me to tell God what to do, how utterly foolish it is for me to think that I know what this person needs. I know nothing except that I love them and they need what only God can give. So I sat and quietly prayed my friend's name. I focused all of my thoughts and energy on her with each breath. And gently with every heartbeat, with every repetition, a silent transaction took place. My heart released all the sadness for my friend's hurt and replaced it with hope for her healing. As I emptied the pain that I didn't even have words for, it was taken up by a power much greater than my own.

This was a very meaningful touchpoint in my faith journey. I've prayed before and I've never sensed the same release of my burden into God's care the same way. It was enlightening.

So from now on if I tell you that I'll pray for you, there's a good chance that I won't be asking God to help you find a new job or heal you from your illness or whatever. I will simply enter a quiet space where I can focus all of my being on your name, breathing you in, breathing you out, placing you fully in God's care. Isn't that where you want to be anyways?

Love Thursday: Redeeming

Hi, my name is Felicia, and I'm a crazy coupon lady.

(Hi, Felicia)

In my never ending quest for the best deal on everything, I see this word frequently: Redeem. Redeem at face value. Redeem one per purchase. Redeem for $1.00 off any 3 boxes of General Mills cereal. So I redeem, redeem and redeem and I do so much redeeming that the word itself has begun to lose some of its shine. Some of its depth. Some of its je ne sais quoi. The other day while I was driving, I started to think about what redeeming means to me, when it comes to my walk with God. So when I got home I did what any modern girl would do, and Googled it. This is what Merriam-Webster has to say about what "redeem" means:

It was all the normal stuff I thought of when I thought of that word. "You are bought with a price" blah blah blah. Until I got to definition number 6, part b, section 2. "To make worthwhile."

I am not only bought, paid for, freed, changed and released. I have also been made worthwhile. Which would indicate that prior to my redemption, I wasn't worthwhile but God chose to redeem me anyways. He made me worthwhile, because of his grace, by the power of my faith and nothing else. To me, that is the single most powerful and amazing transaction to have ever taken place. He made me worthwhile. He offsets everything bad in me. That's awesome. That blows my mind. I love it so much.

Find your flavor.

When I was four years old, a very nice lady came to my childhood home and asked my mother if I could ride the bus with her and her family to church. My mother agreed, and I was then thrust into a belief system that shaped my young faith for years. The church I attended was an Independent Fundamental Baptist church. They believe many things that I still hold as theologically true - Christ as the son of God, salvation for all bought with a price, and new life for all who believe. They also believe a lot of things that I don't agree with. They encourage men to have short "manly" hairstyles and women to have long hair, they feel women should dress in horrendously hideous items of clothing that are an abomination to the fashion world, they feel that women should be subservient to men, they feel that children should be spanked as punishment for disobedience, and they believe that all of these outer statements of faith are essential to be "in the world but not of the world" so that the dirty, unsaved masses can see that they are different, set apart, holy.

And that's where I have to get off the IFB boat and run. Really? Holy? Let me tell you what is holy.

Holy is devoting a portion of your life to planning community service events, where people come together to cook or help or otherwise give of themselves to those in need with no other catalyst behind the effort but their desire to share God's love. That's holy.

Holy is pure light and life in a child's smile, the boundless joy and pride in a parent's heart when they see their baby's first steps. And holy is loving that child enough to respect them as an individual and gently guide and nurture them with loving hands. (If God spanked you every time you did something wrong, would you listen to Him?)

Holy is a pair of loving and committed adults that view themselves not as leader and follower, but as a team. As equals, bound by a sacred promise of fidelity. As a symbiotic relationship of strengths and weaknesses that balance each other out and encourage one another to be their personal best. That's holy.

Holy is working to shape how the governments of the world treat all people so that they are treated as God sees them - equal, worthy, precious. That's holy.

I don't really want people to look at my culottes and decide that I'm different. I'd rather not turn people off with my weirdness that they see on the outside before they even get to know me. (Let them get to know me and see the weirdness on the inside, that'll turn 'em off for sure!) I'm not afraid to talk about my faith journey, with anyone. I'm not shy about being thankful for the many blessings on my life that I credit the hand of the Almighty with giving to me. But I don't need long hair, culottes and a quilted Precious Moments Bible cover to share those things. I just need me. God decided that I was enough to save, I was enough to redeem, I am enough to nurture in spirit, and so then it needs to be true that I am enough to share my relationship with Him with others.

The sad part about all of this is that I believe these things with all my heart, and have felt this way for years. But for years my passion was stifled in churches where I was just too weird. Too radical...too *gasp!* liberal. So I kept quiet. I tried to experience and claim a fullness of faith that just was too much for the mold they wanted me to stay in. It was like there was a religious glass ceiling and I was only allowed to go so far in most churches. Any further, and I'm out of bounds. I had to question...if I was out of bounds, why was God giving me passion for more? Why would He fill my heart with so much love and compassion for others but then put a cap on how far I was allowed to go with it?

The short answer is that He didn't. Denominations and the bylaws therein are man's invention, not God's. They're all just flavors of the same ice cream. There is value in all, and they are all different because different flavors will appeal to different folks. I just hadn't found my flavor yet.

I didn't find my flavor until I was 34 years old. I found my place among people who, like me, believe that all are equal, all are loved and all are people that God longs to have a relationship with, just as they are. Black, white, brown, young, old, single, married, divorced, gay, straight, handicapped, bald, whatever. There is enough love in God's heart for all, and there is a judgement-free place in a pew for you in the UCC. I love that. My denomination works tirelessly for social justice and equality, two causes that are dear to my heart. We believe that God is still speaking to us every day, and that resonates in my heart because I can't serve a God who is finished and bound up in 66 books. I need a God who is actively engaged in the day to day activities of all people, masterfully orchestrating a symphony that sings a song of life and joy and light and praise through sorrow to Him. We're not "in the world but not of the world". We are the world, and we are His. And every day we are blessed to hear the language of God in the nuances of life.

Everybody has that dimension of their heart that longs for spiritual influence. So I'm writing today, for anyone who feels adrift, alone, hungry, lost, unfulfilled. Find your flavor. I don't care what it ends up being, just find it. And grow in it, revel in it, allow your personal spiritual fulfillment to quench your thirst for more in life. It's Saturday afternoon, so you have over 12 hours to find a place to start your journey on Sunday morning. Google is your friend. Get out there and learn and listen and be. I don't care if it's Pentecostal or Mennonite or Lutheran or Catholic. Just find a home for your heart. You'll be glad you did.



P.S. To the fundamentalists who influenced, encouraged, and nurtured me: thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. You introduced me to a God that I might not have otherwise encountered. You provided a sturdy springboard for me to jump from, as the Spirit made me hungry for more. Without you, I wouldn't be who I am today. Please don't take it as a sign of disrespect that I have chosen not to live the way that you do. I understand you feel that you need to do what you do, and I respect that. I feel I need to do what I do. I am content to agree to disagree on the minor things because I know we will always agree on the major things. A wise HS principal of mine said that "The main thing is to always keep the main thing the main thing" and I completely agree.