Friday, March 12, 2010

Good morning, Baltimore

Yeah, I really like to title my blog posts with names of songs. I really like music.

So today I was driving to our first playgroup here since we moved, and my GPS took me the long way - at least what I assume was the long way, maybe it was just the way.

I passed Camden Yards, ESPN Zone, the Hard Rock, the Children's Museum and various other landmarks. Even through today's rainy weather, I was struck with one simple thought..."WOW. This city is beautiful." There really is quite a bit for me to explore and discover. I think I might get why Glen is so in love with his city.

Of course it's taken me a long time to get to the place emotionally where I even *can* consider things to explore. I still miss home desperately. I spent $100 today on frozen par baked deep dish pizzas to be FedEx'd to my house on dry ice. I miss home THAT much. I still have too many boxes lying around unpacked. They're mostly boxes that my pastor and his partner shared with us from their move. They make me sad to see lying around, because each time I see them I am struck with how much I miss my Timoth and my Pedro. And I still think of him as "my pastor" even though now he's technically not, he's just my friend and someone my heart treasures.

Since I haven't posted in over a month, I'll fill you in on the journey so far. Our drive here was a long one. After a very long afternoon loading the truck, we left Illinois 4 hours behind schedule. My wonderful friend Chris was there until we locked the door to our old house behind us. I really thought I was going to have a major cryfest saying goodbye to her, but I think I was too tired from the long day to cry. I drove the Jeep with Moose and Bella, Mr. drove the moving truck with Katie. I got behind the wheel, GPS'd up some directions and put my iPod on shuffle. Then I cried. The first song that came up was Lykke Li's "Possiblity". The first stanza: "There's a possiblity/there's a possiblity/all that I had was all I'm gon' get." Hello, tears. In Ohio, I was pulled over by state police. He wanted to tell me the light over my license plate was out. Cops scare the piss out of me, I could have done without that. As I wound through the mountains of Pennsylvania the following day, snow drifted down gently and I decided to give Facebook up for Lent. By the way, Facebook readers...I'm not cheating. Facebook automatically sucks up my blog posts to publish them there as notes. Yippee for you, you get to hear from me! Hooray for loopholes! I think I'm still honoring my quest to give up things that take my focus off of my Savior. And I think Jesus would be pleased...nay, impressed that I found a loophole. He was the King of Loopholes. He's the guy you want around when you run out of wine at your wedding reception, I'll tell ya that much. He knows the loophole around that. And don't even bother trying to crucify Him, He'll just come back to life three days later. Booya! Loophole FTW. Anyways, back to the point. If you read my blog, you know that I love me some snow and that snow always makes me think of one thing: grace. So I drove through the grace, and enjoyed some quiet time to refocus my mind on the transition ahead. There to here. IL to MD. Home to...the place I live now. *sigh*

And on the third day, we arrived here in Maryland at our new home. I had chatted up Moose about "the new house" so much, possibly too much. Every time we stopped for gas or to eat or to rest, he asked if we were at the new house. We were finally here. We parked, unloaded our inflatable mattresses and suitcases from the trip, and crashed out. The next day the movers came to help us unload boxes from the moving truck and they were fantastic. They were strong and quick and polite. I fixed them lunch, and wasn't at all surprised when they paused to say grace before eating. They were really great guys.

Over the past few weeks, I've unpacked and arranged and rearranged furniture. We all have been getting over a nasty cold and cough that we imported from Illinois with us. I've given up my Starbucks habit out of necessity. There is no Starbucks within a 5 mile radius of here, and the ones that are close enough to go to don't have drive throughs. So I pulled out my own espresso machine, used it to death (literally) and then bought an upgraded one online. I'm having a good time playing with it every day. I have mastered the latte, pull great shots of espresso on it, and really enjoy my afternoon macchiato. And also, now I feel stupid for spending $5 a cup at Starbucks every day sometimes several times a day when I could have been doing it at home much more frugally. We've settled into a nice little daily routine, and in time I'm sure that my life here will feel normal.

But right now it doesn't. I still feel like a foreigner here. I'm the only one in town who isn't still talking about The Snow. And I'm lonely. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my life. I miss feeling like I am where I belong. I miss knowing how to get to the grocery store, the post office, the mall. I feel constantly lost and adrift in a sea of a million faces I don't know. I feel as if I've lost my footing in life. And it was in the middle of feeling like this, that a song came on the radio that made me cry. I loved it - it was *just* how I felt. So I tried to tag it with Shazam. Nothing. I recorded a sample of it with my phone and then Googled the lyrics...all crap leads. I finally resorted to emailing the sample to my friend Doug, who works with the music industry so he always knows everything about every new song and emerging artist. I knew Doug would know. He took a listen and figured it out within about 5 minutes, he's awesome like that.

"Your Hands" JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands


And so that's where I am. I miss home, I think there might be something here for me and I'm willing to find it, but I miss the people I love. Laura said that God sprinkles the good people out over everywhere, and I'm trusting that she's right.

I wish my pizza would hurry up and get here. It's the only tiny taste of home I'll get until one of you comes out to visit me, or Southwest gives me a Ding! fare BWI to MDW. They keep trying to sell me a ticket to Rhode Island or Birmingham. Hi, I don't want to go there!

I want to go home.

3 comments:

Ben & Brandi said...

O.M.G! That is the same exact song I heard the other day and just sat in the girls' room and sobbed!!! I wish I could do more to help you (I know, I need to call...). You can do this sweetie--you have to--'cuz you're gonna have to help me do the same thing. *hugs* love you!!

McMama said...

Felicia, you are such an amazing woman. Your faith never ceases to inspire me, and as you know, that's saying something.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time transitioning. I can't say I understand it, since I've never had real roots in a place - my moves are always just from one place to the next, never from "home." But I DO understand the pain of loneliness and uncertainty.

If anyone can get through it, you can. Your love and faithfulness are so great, I know you'll make it through. <3

felicia said...

Awww, Mandie. That might be the greatest complement I've ever received. Thank you so much for your touching and sincerely kind words.