Revelations

Lately I've felt so harried and alone. I find myself doing many things, but none of them well. I'm spread so thin I seem to vanish in my surroundings. I'm no longer a person with a purpose.

As I flounder amiss, I barely have time to notice how imperfect I am. How lost I am. How profoundly confused I feel. That is, I don't notice until the dark of night, when all is quiet in the house and I lie quietly in the dark while it closes in around me and I start to feel I'm suffocating. I'm so overwhelmed. It's then that I cry out, confused and concerned and weak..."God, why are you doing this to us? Please just take care of us. I try to give You so much, I don't understand why You're taking our security away." And I weep quietly into my pillow, so nobody else hears me and before I know it I'm waking the next day with swollen eyes and an aching head. So it goes, each night.

I feel I'm losing hope. The end of the month is closer than I'd like it to be, and Mister still doesn't have a solid lead on a job. What will we do? No really, what will we do? Where will we live? Should we just move somewhere, anywhere, and see what happens? Should we still go to Atlanta? Was the point of that entire exercise just to get us to be willing to go? Is the point of this whole long, weary journey towards unemployment to get me to loosen my grasp on my life? Why is this happening? I want to scream and stomp and throw a tantrum and cry and shake my fists in the air and holler, "Throw me a freaking bone here! Tell me what You want me to do!" I am so frustrated.

And then there's my ministry with the shelter. The end of the season is nearly here and I can almost taste the sweet, sweet freedom from the burden of my commitment. Each month it's a struggle to get food donated and people to volunteer. Church of thousands in an incredibly affluent community, and I can't get people to sign up to bring a pan of taco meat, or serve breakfast. Are you kidding me? I am SO OVER it. I just want to get to the end, I just want it to be done. I will fulfill what I said I would do to the end of the season and then I am OUT. I'm just so done with the whole noise.

But every once in a while, I hear the tiniest whisper of affirmation from Heaven...

"I'm taking care of you" it says.

"Just be patient, a little while longer. Direction will come when you're ready. But I promise I'll take care of you." And then it's gone, in an instant, just as fast as the whisper breezed in through the windows it floats right out again and it all happens so quickly I'm never quite sure I heard it right.

The other day, Mister found The Best, Most Perfect job for him ever. EVER.

"I'm taking care of you."

I think I heard it. It was quiet and low, almost like the hum of the refrigerator at midnight. It was here, and then it was gone.

This morning, I got a call that miraculously almost all of our shelter volunteer positions will be filled by new helpers next week.

"I'm taking care of you"

The voice washed in through the window of the Jeep as I headed towards the grocery store. But I had the window open, and the voice swished right out in a heartbeat, before I could grab on to it.

So I turned on the radio, and this song was on. This song, that my friend told me to listen to, oh...about 2 months ago. When this all started going down. I hadn't heard it until today. I guess I just hadn't heard it until I needed to hear it. As lyrics and melody flooded the interior of my car, I felt enveloped in comfort, peace and hope like never before. I felt as if someone had dropped me into the dunk tank at the county fair, all of a sudden it was there, all around me...the clear and gentle promise that I have not been alone all along and what was it again? Oh yes...

"I'm taking care of you."

Revelation
Third Day

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone

This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without

I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You