Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Joe Dirt Joe Dirt Joe Dirt. Or, Welcome to my Emotional Garbage Can.

This is how I've been feeling lately. I feel like I was staring at the Grand Canyon, enjoying the most beautiful place on earth, and then I turned around only to find that I had been abandoned by The One who was always supposed to be there for me.

It's all of my worst fears realized. I can't stop crying. I am terrified. I feel so alone. I sat in my car, crying the other day, parked outside of CVS with Moose sleeping in the back and I was just overwhelmed. I cried and cried and cried and stared up at the sky, asking "Do You even see me? Do You even know I'm here? Don't You see me hurting? Don't You care that I'm afraid? Where are You? Why have You left me all alone?" Seriously, I don't understand. Why is God doing this to me?

I've started having the stereotypical nightmares about losing my teeth. Apparently, this dream means you're worried about losing all your money. ORLY? Ya don't say.

I feel like I'm clawing, clinging to the tiny crumbs of hope that God brushes off His table to me, here on the ground. Why is He only letting me have the crumbs?

I keep paddling and kicking and crying and screaming in a sea of overwhelming sorrow. I'm praying that one day I'll look up, and realize that this pool I've been struggling in was in the palm of my Father's hand the whole time. It certainly doesn't feel like it right now.

I would like to go back to coordinating the homeless shelter now. Not, you know, figuring out how to move into it.

Please, God...can't You make this just a tiny bit easier?


~T said...

A few years ago I was fighting a major battle with depression. You made a comment like "take hold and make it your bitch". Your words helped more than any drug ever did. You reminded me God has given me all the tools I need to make it through anything. Sending prayers and positive karma your way.

felicia said...

T -

Really? That totally sounds like something I would say, LOL.

How did you do it? I feel like I'm barely treading water in this sea of despair.

Thanks for your prayers and loving support. And thanks for reminding me that once upon a time, not too long ago, I used to be a smart and strong lady. I feel so beat down, I hardly recognize myself anymore.

T said...

You still are a smart strong lady.

Some days I just tried to put one foot in front of the other and do simple things like get out of bed and shower. Other days my friends were there to drag me out of bed and distract me from the swirling mess of my brain.
Please try and remember it's OK to lean on your friends (that was really really hard for me), and this is just a bridge you're crossing to a better place.
I think of you often and hope that today is better than yesterday for you.