This is how I've been feeling lately. I feel like I was staring at the Grand Canyon, enjoying the most beautiful place on earth, and then I turned around only to find that I had been abandoned by The One who was always supposed to be there for me.
It's all of my worst fears realized. I can't stop crying. I am terrified. I feel so alone. I sat in my car, crying the other day, parked outside of CVS with Moose sleeping in the back and I was just overwhelmed. I cried and cried and cried and stared up at the sky, asking "Do You even see me? Do You even know I'm here? Don't You see me hurting? Don't You care that I'm afraid? Where are You? Why have You left me all alone?" Seriously, I don't understand. Why is God doing this to me?
I've started having the stereotypical nightmares about losing my teeth. Apparently, this dream means you're worried about losing all your money. ORLY? Ya don't say.
I feel like I'm clawing, clinging to the tiny crumbs of hope that God brushes off His table to me, here on the ground. Why is He only letting me have the crumbs?
I keep paddling and kicking and crying and screaming in a sea of overwhelming sorrow. I'm praying that one day I'll look up, and realize that this pool I've been struggling in was in the palm of my Father's hand the whole time. It certainly doesn't feel like it right now.
I would like to go back to coordinating the homeless shelter now. Not, you know, figuring out how to move into it.
Please, God...can't You make this just a tiny bit easier?