Mommy vs. The Spider

I am married for a few reasons:

1. Mr. Felicia is the best man I've ever met
2. I don't like taking out the trash
3. I need someone to kill the spiders

Mr. knows that part of his job as Husband includes killing the spiders. The other day, I called Mr. on the intercom function on our cordless phones.

Sidenote: I love the intercom function on our cordless phones. It really reduces my need to yell. If someone is in the basement family room, and I'm two floors up in the master bedroom, the person in the basement can't hear a thing. You can't even hear the doorbell if you're downstairs in the family room.



Sometimes when I call the basement, I put on my Phone Sex Lady voice and purr something silly at Mr. Then I ask him whatever I was calling him to ask. Monday morning, I walked into the master bathroom and saw this freaking, WINGED spider with a huge blood sucking beak that was about 3" across. Scared the piss out of me. Which is highly inconvenient, when you're all tra-la-la ing to the bathroom first thing in the morning and you have to pee anyways. So I see this giant freak bug and call Mr. on the intercom to come and rescue me. He took care of it and then I was free to begin my day. I don't know what that bug was, it looked like a dragonfly and daddy long legs mated and made this freak of nature killer spidersquito dragon monster. That's what I'm officially dubbing this creature. "Spidersquito dragon monster." Because if that beak didn't suck blood, it surely spit fire.



So today, I was all chilling on the sofa in the living room with Moose when I saw something out of the corner of my eye on the drapes. I saw this:

Now, you can't really tell from the picture because my iPhone doesn't zoom and it was kind of dark...but let me tell you, this thing was terrifying. It was about 4" across. I was so scared that I wanted to puke. I quickly evacuated the room of boy and dogs, and paced about trying to figure out a plan of attack. I didn't want to squish it on the drapes because that looked messy. And this looked like the kind of bug that would go "crunch" when you smash it, and if that happened I would throw up for sure. So I paced, and I took a picture, and I texted it to my husband saying "WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU, SPIDER SLAYER?!?!?" and I uploaded a picture to Facebook because I'm a total oversharer. And then I paced and worried and freaked out and Moose asked if he could come in and I told no because there is a VERY SCARY MONSTER SPIDER that Mommy has to kill. And then he freaked out and ran downstairs to hide in the family room with the dogs. He is his mother's son.

I don't know if you can see it from this picture, but this spider is a freak of nature. It had long, red FANGS. I just know the fangs were red because they were dripping with BLOOD. And it had this evil sounding breathing sounds...like Darth Vader, but more evil. And I swear to God it made eye contact with me and actually rubbed its front legs together, as if to say "Ha ha. And now I see my prey. I shall EAT YOU, silly woman with pink hair. YOU LOOK DELICIOUS." I actually heard him say that, "You look delicious." And while I may be a tasty morsel, there's no way in HELL I was going out this way. Oh, no. I will NOT be a headline in the Baltimore Sun in the morning, "Area Woman Dies After Spider Attack".*

So after deciding I did not want to smoosh the giant mutant spider, I thought maybe I'd vacuum it up. But I was worried about that because:

1. My Dyson is my preciousssss and I didn't want spider guts stuck in it
2. What if the vacuum doesn't actually kill the spider, but just maims it and then it can crawl out and seek vengeance on me?
3. Have you ever tried vacuuming a sheer curtain with a super suction powered tool like a Dyson? C'est impossible!

At first, I approached Captain Mutant Ninja Spider from Arachnid Planet with some paper towels. And a small box. My game plan was that I could scoot him down off the curtain into the box and take him outside. Very gentle, very zen. Catch and release to nature where Mr. Spider could be free! But then I chickened out and plugged in Tyson the Mighty Dyson. I aimed my long telescoping wand towards the curtains. Captain Mutant Ninja Spider from Arachnid Planet simply scooted up the curtain. And that's when the screaming started. It was half fear and half Braveheart as I screamed at the spider. Captain Mutant Ninja Spider from Arachnid Planet might have screamed too. At least he should have, because at this point he knew it was on like Donkey Kong, yo. The spider crept up the curtain and I screamed more and chased him. Then he got trapped in the folds of the curtains, so I shut the Dyson off. Captain Mutant Ninja Spider from Arachnid Planet recovered, and started climbing down the curtains, so I resumed trying to suck him up, and screaming like a terrified Braveheart. Then I realized there was a small chance that Captain Mutant Ninja Spider from Arachnid Planet could fall OFF of the curtain and into MY GAPING, SCREAMING MAW, so I started screaming with my lips closed. This is hard to do, have you ever tried doing that? So I was yelling like "MMMMMMMWWWWWAHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" with my lips shut while I vacuumed at him. It wasn't an even match. Captain Mutant Ninja Spider from Arachnid Planet didn't have a prayer against the Dyson. After it was done, I put that paper towel that I brought out earlier on top of the Dyson hose to maximize the suction into the canister and let it run a few minutes until I saw something big and black, with a flash of his red fangs swirling up at me. That spider better stay in there.

I hope Mr. comes home soon to take care of cleaning out the Dyson canister, and I pray I am never a widow so I don't have to deal with spiders ever again by myself! I'm also wondering how much I value having a pesticide-free home, since this is the second spiderrific freak of nature I've seen in a week. My racing heart is finally slowing down, and I'll admit it - I do feel a little badass after taking care of him. I hope his arachnicide sends a strong message to any other mutant spider brethren that this house is NOT one to mess with. WE WILL fight back, and we will win. I don't take kindly to 8 legged creatures around these parts!

Update: Mr. Felicia came home from work and emptied the Dyson outside. He found Captain Mutant Ninja Spider from Arachnid Planet alive and well inside, so he was set free. After all that drama, we have a very peaceful ending as Captain Mutant Ninja Spider from Arachnid Planet and I go our separate ways. Hurrah!

*None of this paragraph is true, except the part about me not wanting to die by spider.