Monday, May 3, 2010


I have been feeling horribly depressed. I can't remember the last time I was this, maybe. But at least in college I could look forward to Thanksgiving/Christmas Break and tick off the days on the calendar until I could go back to the place where I felt like I belonged.

There's nothing worse than feeling that you don't belong in your own home. That's where I'm at right now. I long for home, but I look around and I am home but I feel like a misfit because there's nowhere here that I belong. When taking Mr. to work, I turn onto the road and I see the sign that says go this way for Washington or that way for Baltimore and it feels like an out of body experience. Really? Those are my choices? Which way do I go to go home? Oh wait, I am home. Dammit.

What really messes me up in the head (one thing among many, let's be honest) is that I can't even begin to cozy up to this place as my home because we won't stay here forever. The long term plan remains for me to go back to school after Mr. does his time in this job. This place will never be home.

And then I saw this today, out of state plates, from Illinois, parked outside the mall in Columbia, Maryland, and it reminded me of something important:

There's a story, of course. There's always a story. When I was in high school, my friend introduced me to her wonderful, sweet aunt and uncle. Uncle Bob was her youth pastor at her church, and I was lucky enough to spend some time with them. Uncle Bob was one of the most genuine Christ followers I've ever met. His influence meant so much to me over the years. Anyways, Bob had a car with custom plates, just like the ones in the picture. JUST LIKE them. And I read it one day and asked Crystal why her uncle's plate said "farm god". I was laughed at, and then was told it meant "from God" because everything Bob and Robbi had was from God.

Everything I have is from God.

Even this ache inside for home.

Even these tears that fall because I miss my friends, and I don't feel like I belong here, and I don't understand why I have to hurt so bad right now. Everything I have is from God.

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