It's here. Mister's last day of employment is here, and the silence is deafening. Is it wrong to feel a bit of relief? We still don't know what we're going to do or where we're going to go but it's a relief nonetheless.
The transition period was excruciating. It was like removing a very, very sticky band-aid very, very slowly. It was a pain of epic proportions. But it's done now, and there's a certain feeling of lightness and freedom from it all being finished.
I've been listening to a lot of music. Music speaks to me. I really connect with lyrics. Music has charms to soothe my savage breast, LOL. So I had the music going while I cleaned the kitchen yesterday, and I had a moment while listening to "Lose My Soul" (by TobyMac, with Kirk Franklin, and Mandisa). It had nothing to do with the fact that the song is a total jam and Mandisa has an incredible voice. It was actually a bit of spoken word at the end of the track that struck me:
Lord forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world
That fight for our love, and our passion.
As our eyes are open wide and on you
Grant us the privilege of your world view,
And may your kingdom be
What wakes us up, and lays us down.
And then it hit me - what all was I so afraid of? Living in a smaller house? Driving a smaller car? Using more coupons? (Is that even possible, LOL?) What do I have that wasn't given me by my Father? Why would He bring me this far only to ditch me? What do I really have to be afraid of? Not much. I am ashamed but emotionally transparent enough to admit that my focus during this entire life change has been on how we won't be able to afford our current lifestyle, and how I would really not like to give that up. But really, what is that worth? Is it worth sacrificing closeness to my Savior while I focus on a comfortable life that distracts me from His purpose for my life?
So this morning, I drove Tim in to the train station. As we parked and waited for the train, we prayed together. With our family's checkbook clasped between his hand and mine, we left our struggle and worry and fear right there at the Father's feet. Everything we have is from Him. It's all His anyways. We'll let Him take care of us.
And then there was nothing but quiet in my mind and peace in my heart.