It's here. Mister's last day of employment is here, and the silence is deafening. Is it wrong to feel a bit of relief? We still don't know what we're going to do or where we're going to go but it's a relief nonetheless.
The transition period was excruciating. It was like removing a very, very sticky band-aid very, very slowly. It was a pain of epic proportions. But it's done now, and there's a certain feeling of lightness and freedom from it all being finished.
I've been listening to a lot of music. Music speaks to me. I really connect with lyrics. Music has charms to soothe my savage breast, LOL. So I had the music going while I cleaned the kitchen yesterday, and I had a moment while listening to "Lose My Soul" (by TobyMac, with Kirk Franklin, and Mandisa). It had nothing to do with the fact that the song is a total jam and Mandisa has an incredible voice. It was actually a bit of spoken word at the end of the track that struck me:
Lord forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world
That fight for our love, and our passion.
As our eyes are open wide and on you
Grant us the privilege of your world view,
And may your kingdom be
What wakes us up, and lays us down.
And then it hit me - what all was I so afraid of? Living in a smaller house? Driving a smaller car? Using more coupons? (Is that even possible, LOL?) What do I have that wasn't given me by my Father? Why would He bring me this far only to ditch me? What do I really have to be afraid of? Not much. I am ashamed but emotionally transparent enough to admit that my focus during this entire life change has been on how we won't be able to afford our current lifestyle, and how I would really not like to give that up. But really, what is that worth? Is it worth sacrificing closeness to my Savior while I focus on a comfortable life that distracts me from His purpose for my life?
So this morning, I drove Tim in to the train station. As we parked and waited for the train, we prayed together. With our family's checkbook clasped between his hand and mine, we left our struggle and worry and fear right there at the Father's feet. Everything we have is from Him. It's all His anyways. We'll let Him take care of us.
And then there was nothing but quiet in my mind and peace in my heart.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
About Face!
So yeah, my husband lost his job. Now what?
Well, for years I've had a dream of creating and selling my own product line. Because, well...I LOVE products. Please don't look at my bathroom, it's like a Sephora puked in there after a hurricane hit an Ulta.
The problem with my product addiction is that there really aren't many affordable natural/organic options for specific products I was looking for.
As a breast cancer survivor, I've long wrestled with the deodorant conundrum. Do I wear mainstream store bought deodorant and risk developing more problems or even worse, possibly Alzheimer's Disease? Or do I take the even bigger risk of using the "natural" stuff which sometimes fails me?
As a cloth diapering mother, I was on an endless search for the perfect diaper balm for my son. One that was cloth-diaper safe (would completely absorb into the skin or rinse completely clean from the diaper) and yet highly effective.
As a diabetic woman, I've struggled with chronic skin problems related to candida.
And, as a total girly girl, I've searched high and low for a lip gloss that is yummy, stays put but isn't too sticky, and isn't packed with petro chems for me (or my loved ones) to lick or kiss off.
So, what's a naturally-minded, tree hugging hippie product addict with a passion for kitchen creation to do? DUH. I hit the kitchen and started mixing up my own potions. It started innocently enough. My "natural" deodorant wasn't as effective and failproof as I'd like it to be, and then the ingredients started irritating my sensitive skin. As my sensitive, irritated skin broke, it fell victim to every woman's worst nightmare: yeast. I had a raging, flaming, burning infection in my armpit! After trying everything out there on myself, I finally concocted my own little balm to heal the skin. It worked! Based on that recipe, I branched out and developed an all natural, 99% organic, so-safe-my-two-year-old-could-EAT-it! deodorant. It's crazy effective, pampers the skin and keeps stank away better than anything else I've tried. Since I was getting good at this whole making my own skin creams stuff, I tried to formulate a diaper balm that I could use on my son's sensitive skin that would cooperate with cloth diapering. Hooray! Problem solved. And last, but not least, I merged everything I'd learned so far with all my trials and errors into a moisturizing and delicious lip gloss/balm. Booyah!
I was pretty excited about my little stash of potions because they solved a lot of problems for me. Then one night, my mom was over. She needed to go to CVS for a prescription. She told me she had a skin-based yeast infection in the crease of her stomach. Every c-section mama knows that crease. Unless you still have the super flat tummy of a 16 year old, you know that crease. Oh, my poor mother. She suffered through spraying alcohol based yeast medicines on that very sensitive and painful rash. I mixed up a small pot of my little yeastie beastie wonder balm for her. She was skeptical. She took it home, but insisted on using her torture cream from the drugstore. Until the night that the combined pain from her rash and the medicine kept her from sleeping! She got up in the middle of the night, scrubbed off that nasty chemical-laden cream that was scorching her skin and smoothed on a dab of my concoction. She said she felt the pain relief instantly as the soothing ingredients calmed her skin and fought the rash naturally. In the morning, her infection was gone and her skin nearly completely healed. She begged me to sell this stuff, as surely countless other people could benefit from it.
A few weeks later, I read Peter Bregman's article on cnn.com about Madame Alexander dolls and I was inspired. There it was. The slight kick in the pants that I needed: "Madame Alexander had a wise model for finding work. She started a business doing work she loved, with people she loved, solving a problem others were willing to pay money to have solved. It was a small company that took very little investment but gave her and others meaningful, sustainable work.
In other words, start a business in your kitchen with your sisters."
Slowly, the pieces of the puzzle started floating together. The best ex-boyfriend in the world sent me a post on Facebook telling me that if I ever started my own product line, he had the best name for it and I could use it if I wanted to. While it may or may not have come to him in a sangria-soaked moment, it was actually a pretty great name. I owe a heartfelt thank you to my devoted and supportive husband, my beautiful son, my mom, Mother Earth, CNN, sangria and Jaylo for developing the perfect storm of ideas.
I hardly expect the sales of my products to replace my family's former income. But the idea of "meaningful, sustainable work" appeals to me greatly. Beyond that, I'm a giver...a sharer by nature. I can't wait to share the great stuff I've made with the rest of the world. I can't wait to help others out with the same problems I've struggled with. When I was working as a certified massage therapist, I found the work very rewarding and personally fulfilling as I took great delight in healing people's pain with nothing but my hands. I see these products as an extension of my passion for helping people. And so, About Face Naturals was born.
About Face isn't only about, you know, the face. Granted, I have one tiny product that is intended for facial application. In the future, I'd like to develop more products intended for facial use. About Face is an attitude - an invitation, if you will. Forget everything you know about using mainstream products to take care of your skin, forget supporting huge corporations with your hard earned money, forget applying products with toxic ingredients, and forget spending a fortune on them. Turn about face from all of that nonsense, and try something completely different.
Packaging is on order, website is parked and under construction, product labels are being designed. My goal is to be up and running in about a month's time. Get ready to experience About Face Naturals.
Well, for years I've had a dream of creating and selling my own product line. Because, well...I LOVE products. Please don't look at my bathroom, it's like a Sephora puked in there after a hurricane hit an Ulta.
The problem with my product addiction is that there really aren't many affordable natural/organic options for specific products I was looking for.
As a breast cancer survivor, I've long wrestled with the deodorant conundrum. Do I wear mainstream store bought deodorant and risk developing more problems or even worse, possibly Alzheimer's Disease? Or do I take the even bigger risk of using the "natural" stuff which sometimes fails me?
As a cloth diapering mother, I was on an endless search for the perfect diaper balm for my son. One that was cloth-diaper safe (would completely absorb into the skin or rinse completely clean from the diaper) and yet highly effective.
As a diabetic woman, I've struggled with chronic skin problems related to candida.
And, as a total girly girl, I've searched high and low for a lip gloss that is yummy, stays put but isn't too sticky, and isn't packed with petro chems for me (or my loved ones) to lick or kiss off.
So, what's a naturally-minded, tree hugging hippie product addict with a passion for kitchen creation to do? DUH. I hit the kitchen and started mixing up my own potions. It started innocently enough. My "natural" deodorant wasn't as effective and failproof as I'd like it to be, and then the ingredients started irritating my sensitive skin. As my sensitive, irritated skin broke, it fell victim to every woman's worst nightmare: yeast. I had a raging, flaming, burning infection in my armpit! After trying everything out there on myself, I finally concocted my own little balm to heal the skin. It worked! Based on that recipe, I branched out and developed an all natural, 99% organic, so-safe-my-two-year-old-could-EAT-it! deodorant. It's crazy effective, pampers the skin and keeps stank away better than anything else I've tried. Since I was getting good at this whole making my own skin creams stuff, I tried to formulate a diaper balm that I could use on my son's sensitive skin that would cooperate with cloth diapering. Hooray! Problem solved. And last, but not least, I merged everything I'd learned so far with all my trials and errors into a moisturizing and delicious lip gloss/balm. Booyah!
I was pretty excited about my little stash of potions because they solved a lot of problems for me. Then one night, my mom was over. She needed to go to CVS for a prescription. She told me she had a skin-based yeast infection in the crease of her stomach. Every c-section mama knows that crease. Unless you still have the super flat tummy of a 16 year old, you know that crease. Oh, my poor mother. She suffered through spraying alcohol based yeast medicines on that very sensitive and painful rash. I mixed up a small pot of my little yeastie beastie wonder balm for her. She was skeptical. She took it home, but insisted on using her torture cream from the drugstore. Until the night that the combined pain from her rash and the medicine kept her from sleeping! She got up in the middle of the night, scrubbed off that nasty chemical-laden cream that was scorching her skin and smoothed on a dab of my concoction. She said she felt the pain relief instantly as the soothing ingredients calmed her skin and fought the rash naturally. In the morning, her infection was gone and her skin nearly completely healed. She begged me to sell this stuff, as surely countless other people could benefit from it.
A few weeks later, I read Peter Bregman's article on cnn.com about Madame Alexander dolls and I was inspired. There it was. The slight kick in the pants that I needed: "Madame Alexander had a wise model for finding work. She started a business doing work she loved, with people she loved, solving a problem others were willing to pay money to have solved. It was a small company that took very little investment but gave her and others meaningful, sustainable work.
In other words, start a business in your kitchen with your sisters."
Slowly, the pieces of the puzzle started floating together. The best ex-boyfriend in the world sent me a post on Facebook telling me that if I ever started my own product line, he had the best name for it and I could use it if I wanted to. While it may or may not have come to him in a sangria-soaked moment, it was actually a pretty great name. I owe a heartfelt thank you to my devoted and supportive husband, my beautiful son, my mom, Mother Earth, CNN, sangria and Jaylo for developing the perfect storm of ideas.
I hardly expect the sales of my products to replace my family's former income. But the idea of "meaningful, sustainable work" appeals to me greatly. Beyond that, I'm a giver...a sharer by nature. I can't wait to share the great stuff I've made with the rest of the world. I can't wait to help others out with the same problems I've struggled with. When I was working as a certified massage therapist, I found the work very rewarding and personally fulfilling as I took great delight in healing people's pain with nothing but my hands. I see these products as an extension of my passion for helping people. And so, About Face Naturals was born.
About Face isn't only about, you know, the face. Granted, I have one tiny product that is intended for facial application. In the future, I'd like to develop more products intended for facial use. About Face is an attitude - an invitation, if you will. Forget everything you know about using mainstream products to take care of your skin, forget supporting huge corporations with your hard earned money, forget applying products with toxic ingredients, and forget spending a fortune on them. Turn about face from all of that nonsense, and try something completely different.
Packaging is on order, website is parked and under construction, product labels are being designed. My goal is to be up and running in about a month's time. Get ready to experience About Face Naturals.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The sinking of my Titanic
For the past few years, I've been blessed with an easy and financially worry-free life. I've had everything I could have wanted, or asked for, and then some. I've been comfortable with money to spare. I've been on both sides of the coin in my life - I've had next to nothing, and I've had my cup running over. I could deal with a happy medium, but for the past few years it has been lovely to just live and enjoy it without worry for the next day. It's been a lovely cruise of comfort, security and material success.
And then we hit an iceberg. It was a horrific, violent crash and the ship has been sinking ever-so-slowly since. We're in the last days of sinking...I'm feeling frantic and frightened.
My friend Brandi described her family's experience with the very same thing as this...you run around, screaming and scared and you try as best you can to bail out the water but it keeps on coming in faster than you can dig out. So you become even more terrified, yelling and clawing and scurrying about...until finally, you bail into the tiny and frail life raft (that you're not sure can safely get you to shore) and see the balance of your cruise ship sink into the dark abyss.
Glug glug glug.
And just like that, your strong ship of success and security is gone without a trace.
And then the screaming stops. There is nothing left but you and your family, and an ocean of overwhelming possibilities and fear. You float on, getting seasick at times, and all around you is a deafening cloud of silence that overcomes you. There is no crying anymore, no more yelling and no more of that anxious and evil anticipation that ate a hole through your stomach. It all just kind of floats away. Because it's here now - the day you had been dreading, the dawn whose threat has kept you awake at night and stolen your appetite, motivation and energy during the day. It's here now, and there's no denying it and no more fighting it. It's here, so you learn to work with it and peacefully co-exist with it until a rescue boat finds you or you find a shore.
I am so emotionally spent from months of worry and fear. I feel sad to say that at this point, the final sinking is almost a welcome release from the anxiety and dread that has ruled over my life for months.
Come, sea! Come, future! Come quickly and take me with you. Come quickly and show us the next stop on our journey. The sooner the ship sinks, the faster we are free to row away together in our tiny life raft to an exciting new chapter in our lives. I'm ready to transition into whatever the future holds. Just get me off this ship.
And then we hit an iceberg. It was a horrific, violent crash and the ship has been sinking ever-so-slowly since. We're in the last days of sinking...I'm feeling frantic and frightened.
My friend Brandi described her family's experience with the very same thing as this...you run around, screaming and scared and you try as best you can to bail out the water but it keeps on coming in faster than you can dig out. So you become even more terrified, yelling and clawing and scurrying about...until finally, you bail into the tiny and frail life raft (that you're not sure can safely get you to shore) and see the balance of your cruise ship sink into the dark abyss.
Glug glug glug.
And just like that, your strong ship of success and security is gone without a trace.
And then the screaming stops. There is nothing left but you and your family, and an ocean of overwhelming possibilities and fear. You float on, getting seasick at times, and all around you is a deafening cloud of silence that overcomes you. There is no crying anymore, no more yelling and no more of that anxious and evil anticipation that ate a hole through your stomach. It all just kind of floats away. Because it's here now - the day you had been dreading, the dawn whose threat has kept you awake at night and stolen your appetite, motivation and energy during the day. It's here now, and there's no denying it and no more fighting it. It's here, so you learn to work with it and peacefully co-exist with it until a rescue boat finds you or you find a shore.
I am so emotionally spent from months of worry and fear. I feel sad to say that at this point, the final sinking is almost a welcome release from the anxiety and dread that has ruled over my life for months.
Come, sea! Come, future! Come quickly and take me with you. Come quickly and show us the next stop on our journey. The sooner the ship sinks, the faster we are free to row away together in our tiny life raft to an exciting new chapter in our lives. I'm ready to transition into whatever the future holds. Just get me off this ship.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
This inspired me today
Wait And See - Brandon Heath
In particular, these lyrics:
There is hope for me yet
Because God won't forget
All the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see
He's not finished with me yet
Still wondering why I'm here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He's up to something
And the farther on I go
I've seen enough to know
That I'm, not here for nothing
He's up to something
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Revelations
Lately I've felt so harried and alone. I find myself doing many things, but none of them well. I'm spread so thin I seem to vanish in my surroundings. I'm no longer a person with a purpose.
As I flounder amiss, I barely have time to notice how imperfect I am. How lost I am. How profoundly confused I feel. That is, I don't notice until the dark of night, when all is quiet in the house and I lie quietly in the dark while it closes in around me and I start to feel I'm suffocating. I'm so overwhelmed. It's then that I cry out, confused and concerned and weak..."God, why are you doing this to us? Please just take care of us. I try to give You so much, I don't understand why You're taking our security away." And I weep quietly into my pillow, so nobody else hears me and before I know it I'm waking the next day with swollen eyes and an aching head. So it goes, each night.
I feel I'm losing hope. The end of the month is closer than I'd like it to be, and Mister still doesn't have a solid lead on a job. What will we do? No really, what will we do? Where will we live? Should we just move somewhere, anywhere, and see what happens? Should we still go to Atlanta? Was the point of that entire exercise just to get us to be willing to go? Is the point of this whole long, weary journey towards unemployment to get me to loosen my grasp on my life? Why is this happening? I want to scream and stomp and throw a tantrum and cry and shake my fists in the air and holler, "Throw me a freaking bone here! Tell me what You want me to do!" I am so frustrated.
And then there's my ministry with the shelter. The end of the season is nearly here and I can almost taste the sweet, sweet freedom from the burden of my commitment. Each month it's a struggle to get food donated and people to volunteer. Church of thousands in an incredibly affluent community, and I can't get people to sign up to bring a pan of taco meat, or serve breakfast. Are you kidding me? I am SO OVER it. I just want to get to the end, I just want it to be done. I will fulfill what I said I would do to the end of the season and then I am OUT. I'm just so done with the whole noise.
But every once in a while, I hear the tiniest whisper of affirmation from Heaven...
"I'm taking care of you" it says.
"Just be patient, a little while longer. Direction will come when you're ready. But I promise I'll take care of you." And then it's gone, in an instant, just as fast as the whisper breezed in through the windows it floats right out again and it all happens so quickly I'm never quite sure I heard it right.
The other day, Mister found The Best, Most Perfect job for him ever. EVER.
"I'm taking care of you."
I think I heard it. It was quiet and low, almost like the hum of the refrigerator at midnight. It was here, and then it was gone.
This morning, I got a call that miraculously almost all of our shelter volunteer positions will be filled by new helpers next week.
"I'm taking care of you"
The voice washed in through the window of the Jeep as I headed towards the grocery store. But I had the window open, and the voice swished right out in a heartbeat, before I could grab on to it.
So I turned on the radio, and this song was on. This song, that my friend told me to listen to, oh...about 2 months ago. When this all started going down. I hadn't heard it until today. I guess I just hadn't heard it until I needed to hear it. As lyrics and melody flooded the interior of my car, I felt enveloped in comfort, peace and hope like never before. I felt as if someone had dropped me into the dunk tank at the county fair, all of a sudden it was there, all around me...the clear and gentle promise that I have not been alone all along and what was it again? Oh yes...
"I'm taking care of you."
Revelation
Third Day
My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
As I flounder amiss, I barely have time to notice how imperfect I am. How lost I am. How profoundly confused I feel. That is, I don't notice until the dark of night, when all is quiet in the house and I lie quietly in the dark while it closes in around me and I start to feel I'm suffocating. I'm so overwhelmed. It's then that I cry out, confused and concerned and weak..."God, why are you doing this to us? Please just take care of us. I try to give You so much, I don't understand why You're taking our security away." And I weep quietly into my pillow, so nobody else hears me and before I know it I'm waking the next day with swollen eyes and an aching head. So it goes, each night.
I feel I'm losing hope. The end of the month is closer than I'd like it to be, and Mister still doesn't have a solid lead on a job. What will we do? No really, what will we do? Where will we live? Should we just move somewhere, anywhere, and see what happens? Should we still go to Atlanta? Was the point of that entire exercise just to get us to be willing to go? Is the point of this whole long, weary journey towards unemployment to get me to loosen my grasp on my life? Why is this happening? I want to scream and stomp and throw a tantrum and cry and shake my fists in the air and holler, "Throw me a freaking bone here! Tell me what You want me to do!" I am so frustrated.
And then there's my ministry with the shelter. The end of the season is nearly here and I can almost taste the sweet, sweet freedom from the burden of my commitment. Each month it's a struggle to get food donated and people to volunteer. Church of thousands in an incredibly affluent community, and I can't get people to sign up to bring a pan of taco meat, or serve breakfast. Are you kidding me? I am SO OVER it. I just want to get to the end, I just want it to be done. I will fulfill what I said I would do to the end of the season and then I am OUT. I'm just so done with the whole noise.
But every once in a while, I hear the tiniest whisper of affirmation from Heaven...
"I'm taking care of you" it says.
"Just be patient, a little while longer. Direction will come when you're ready. But I promise I'll take care of you." And then it's gone, in an instant, just as fast as the whisper breezed in through the windows it floats right out again and it all happens so quickly I'm never quite sure I heard it right.
The other day, Mister found The Best, Most Perfect job for him ever. EVER.
"I'm taking care of you."
I think I heard it. It was quiet and low, almost like the hum of the refrigerator at midnight. It was here, and then it was gone.
This morning, I got a call that miraculously almost all of our shelter volunteer positions will be filled by new helpers next week.
"I'm taking care of you"
The voice washed in through the window of the Jeep as I headed towards the grocery store. But I had the window open, and the voice swished right out in a heartbeat, before I could grab on to it.
So I turned on the radio, and this song was on. This song, that my friend told me to listen to, oh...about 2 months ago. When this all started going down. I hadn't heard it until today. I guess I just hadn't heard it until I needed to hear it. As lyrics and melody flooded the interior of my car, I felt enveloped in comfort, peace and hope like never before. I felt as if someone had dropped me into the dunk tank at the county fair, all of a sudden it was there, all around me...the clear and gentle promise that I have not been alone all along and what was it again? Oh yes...
"I'm taking care of you."
Revelation
Third Day
My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Tryin’ to find my way, tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
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